Flashback no. 1
"I need you to say stuff to get me back up on my feet"
It was one of those grey November afternoons. My colleagues had left, and I was alone in our small office space. I was sitting on the floor, with the head resting in my hands, tears running down my cheeks. Outside, the rain was hitting hard on the windows, and for a second, I worried if the raindrops were going to break the glass. They sounded more like stones than water. Small, pointy rocks, gathered in a massive troop, viciously attacking the vulnerable panes of glass. Just like her hostile words that I couldn’t get out of my head: “No, I will not. I refuse. That is not my responsibility. She needs to do it.” Words that ten minutes earlier had been flying like bullets in the air, hitting me straight in the core. As her malicious voice had raised - apparently she had a lot to say about my shortcomings and incompetence - I had felt the air running out of me, like a balloon hit by a needle, and a sudden feeling of exhaustion had gotten ahold of me. A fatigue so draining, it was hard to sit up straight in a chair. I had felt an urgent need to run away, and so I had hurried to say “I am sorry, but I need to go”, and I had logged out before anyone could answer, disconnecting from the web conference, cutting off from her aggressive words.
Back at my desk, I had sunken down on the floor, incapable of keeping the tears away. And that is where I was still sitting when the rain started to hit even harder. The sound had grown so strong by now that I could hardly hear my own sobs anymore. My head started to ache, and again I feared for the glass; unprotected and stuck inside the window frames, unable to escape to safety. Don’t break, don’t break! My colleague's words came back to me again: "Why can't she do it herself" and I felt suffocated. My week was already a big mountain of To Do's that I struggled to climb. If I had to take on one more thing now, I was quite sure it'd collapse. An avalanche would be triggered, taking me with it in its fall. Far down to the ground, buried under masses of snow, never to be found again. I thought we had aligned on this. They were going to support, but yet here we were again "discussing it". All of the sudden, my heart started pounding uncontrollably and I felt like I couldn’t breathe any longer. I wanted to go outside for fresh air, but when I tried to stand up, my legs couldn’t carry me. They had lost all their strength, and just like the glass sheets in the windows, I was trapped. I couldn’t stand up on my feet.
I panicked for a second. “What is happening to me? What is going on?” I felt as if I was going crazy. “Oh for f*ck’s sake”, I said out loud and spoke to myself: “This is ridiculous. You are no crybaby! Get your bloody grip together!”. I swore and I yelled, but nothing helped. So I did what I have always done when life seems impossible to bear. I picked up my phone and called my mother. Hearing her voice when she answered made me cry even more, and I couldn’t say a word. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Oh mom, I am just so very, very tired", I said. “I need to go to kindergarten, but I don't know how to. My legs won’t hold me. So I need you to say stuff to get me back up on my feet." To be continued..
Back at my desk, I had sunken down on the floor, incapable of keeping the tears away. And that is where I was still sitting when the rain started to hit even harder. The sound had grown so strong by now that I could hardly hear my own sobs anymore. My head started to ache, and again I feared for the glass; unprotected and stuck inside the window frames, unable to escape to safety. Don’t break, don’t break! My colleague's words came back to me again: "Why can't she do it herself" and I felt suffocated. My week was already a big mountain of To Do's that I struggled to climb. If I had to take on one more thing now, I was quite sure it'd collapse. An avalanche would be triggered, taking me with it in its fall. Far down to the ground, buried under masses of snow, never to be found again. I thought we had aligned on this. They were going to support, but yet here we were again "discussing it". All of the sudden, my heart started pounding uncontrollably and I felt like I couldn’t breathe any longer. I wanted to go outside for fresh air, but when I tried to stand up, my legs couldn’t carry me. They had lost all their strength, and just like the glass sheets in the windows, I was trapped. I couldn’t stand up on my feet.
I panicked for a second. “What is happening to me? What is going on?” I felt as if I was going crazy. “Oh for f*ck’s sake”, I said out loud and spoke to myself: “This is ridiculous. You are no crybaby! Get your bloody grip together!”. I swore and I yelled, but nothing helped. So I did what I have always done when life seems impossible to bear. I picked up my phone and called my mother. Hearing her voice when she answered made me cry even more, and I couldn’t say a word. “What’s wrong?” she asked. “Oh mom, I am just so very, very tired", I said. “I need to go to kindergarten, but I don't know how to. My legs won’t hold me. So I need you to say stuff to get me back up on my feet." To be continued..
